Author: Baby Dick

..Normally having sex in the back seat of a car is like trying to finesse your way through a crowded line of scrimmage. I’ll be damned though if this wasn’t more like a wide open hole leading to an untouched, walk in touchdown. As the saying goes – “so much room for activities.”…

..Walking back to our hotel, Jimmy takes it upon himself to hop on Backpages and orders hookers. He promptly times it where they arrive just minutes after we get back to the hotel. As we’re standing in the lobby, we get a clear view of the massacred women getting out of the old beaten down Buick….

..In the end, this was how at the ripe age of twenty-six, I embarked on my first anal experience down in Punta Cana with a girl I met on Tinder because the only condom I brought shed off of me because nervousness over powered my horniness in the back roads of I don’t fucking know where, since I decided to leave Cleveland for an inclusive resort, and then leave that resort for three crazy nights that involved mini-van blowjobs, skinny dipping on the beach, and ultimately, What What in the Butt Part 3…

..Before long, the defense gives up, and I decide to instead throw all of my dignity and self-respect aside for the sole purpose of having sex with a girl just so that, years later, I could tell a funny story to my friends. Shockingly, and contrary to most all other Tales, and more pathetically for myself, this was during the time in my life in which I very seldom drank. I broke the single game record without any PED’s…

“…I right-click follow Jill to the backseat, avoiding all clutter as if I was receiving my Level 99 Agility Cape.
She reaches down in between the seats and starts covering the windows with cut out pieces of cardboard. No joke. These were some custom made, preciously cut, sunlight blocking, privacy visors. She had larger pieces for the back windows, and smaller ones for the sides. I assumed she had them for when she wants to sleep in her van during break at work, but unless she has another job, she works midnight shifts at the hotel. Perhaps she likes it super dark, perhaps she often gets random dick from customers. Nonetheless, being placed in a do-it-yourself makeshift backseat bedroom obviously isn’t a deal breaker for me…”

“…After a two hour flight delay, I land in Denver around 2:30pm. Finally having service, I switch my phone off of airplane mode expecting to have (at least) a text from Ramona. I have nothing. After sending a handful of messages and outgoing calls her way, all of which go unanswered, it doesn’t take me long to spot the loser at the airport…”

“…I’ve always said that the only time that I can do a split, is when I’m drunk and getting hyphy on the dance floor. Evidently, the only time I can nearly put my legs behind my head like a contortionist in training, is when I’m getting my asshole cleaned out like the bottom of a boat being winterized before it gets put into storage for six months…”

“…Starting with one finger, then two, soon all three piggies were in the house with room for their aunts and uncles. Packing in tight, might as well let Grandma and Grandpa stop in. Fuck it, invite the grandkids too. After a few minutes, MY ENTIRE FIST was snuggling inside of her as her vagina wrapped around my wrist like a large mouth bass trying to devour my arm…”

“…I quickly begin teetering between forcibly being carried out, forcibly getting the baby dick beat out of me, but nowhere close to getting any money back. It’s about 5am and we’re the only visitors in the club. Perfect setting for me to get all of us taken to the back room and bent over in the worst possible way…”

”…In a moment’s notice, a steady stream of nasty concocted spinach and artichoke dip is heaved all over my cock piece. It came bursting out like an overdue seahorse giving birth. As it’s oozing down my taint before tunneling itself into my leather seats, she leans over my lap, opens the door, and launches the rest out onto the pavement…”