Spinach and Artichoke Dick

Shortly before I moved to Maryland after quitting my job to pursue playing poker full time, I spent my summer doing three of my favorite things – traveling, drinking, and going to concerts. On August 6th, 2015, I went to see Slipknot(along with Korn, Lamb of God, and Motionless in White) for their Summers Last Stand Tour.

While at the concert, I get a text from a girl who I hadn’t seen or talked to in over two years. She was at the same concert and saw me tailgating in the parking lot. During the concert, she’d leave her fiancé so that we could hang out.

Explanation time. I’m not gonna bother getting into all that much. Mostly just the details that pertain to this story. At some point in time, when I feel like sharing the entire saga, I’ll explain it all – having an engaged girl who’s twin sister refers to you as her ‘boyfriend’, saying the sacred ‘L’ word for my first and only time in my life, frequent visits to their home, and plenty more I’m sure will be jammed into a fucked up forty page packet doused with details of how my emotional system was wrecked for twenty-two months. 

This is merely just a drop in the bucket. A baby dick down the hallway, if you will.

Shockingly, I’ve never been married. However, we all know that it’s often said that sex goes downhill after marriage, and I have a theory on why that is. 

Just like anything else in life, the more there is of something, or the easier it is to obtain, the less desirable it becomes. The inverse is naturally true as well – the less there is of something, or the harder it is to obtain, the more desirable it becomes.

Just so happens, that when you’re ‘dating’ an engaged girl who lives with her fiancé in a different state, sex becomes even more desirable. 

It’s about a four hour drive from Hannover, Maryland to Pittsburgh. Once in Pittsburgh, tack on another thirty to fifty minutes dependent on traffic, and I’d be at her apartment just moments after her fiancé would leave for work (there were times when I’d actually pass him, as I’m on my way to go and play slip-n-slide. It was as if I was the Gray Fox gallivanting around Cyrodiil without a care.)

Being that she was a full time pharmacy student pursuing her PHD, worked twenty plus hours a week, and had a fiancé, it wasn’t always the easiest for her to make time for us. But the saying is one hundred percent accurate – you make time for the people that you care to see (I know it’s something like that and if you put that quote over top of an inspirational picture a bunch of introverts would share it to make themselves feel better about why they don’t have a social life and so we’re just gonna go with it). 

When this story occurs, we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of weeks. That’s a long time for a turtle to not come out of his shell.

After her night class had ended, I meet her on campus and we head to a close by TGI Friday’s. We each order a beer, and her not being all that hungry (mostly due to the fact that she had a cold), but still wanting something small, she gets some spinach and artichoke dip. 

Moving into the same side of the booth as me, she constantly keeps rubbing my, as she would call it, ‘cock piece’. Either her fiancé doesn’t bang her, or two weeks away from her ‘boyfriend’ was too much and she was urgently waiting to pick the winning raffle ticket out of the bin. 

As we finish our drinks and dip in between constant engagements of nearing public exposure, I position my ‘cock piece’ tightly under the waistband of my sweatpants (it’s November in Pittsburgh) to go and unload my piss boner before heading into battle. 

Parking directly next to her car on campus, I begin to advance my troops standing intently in the front line. Ready to fire my cannons, she informs me that she’s already experiencing bloodshed. Refusing my suggestion that we instead execute a rear flank (pretty sure she just thought that I was joking about going anal), she faces the onslaught like any fearless leader would – face first.

Dramatic Volbeat playing in the background, we maneuver our way into the back seat. Loading my super soaker, I aggressively continue slamming her head up and down. Each pump of her mouth adds to the mounting pressure deep in the chamber ready to burst at any second.

Understand something – what’s about to happen does NOT mean that I have an enlarged member (if anyone accuses me of having a large penis, their Baby Dick Tales subscription will be immediately revoked). As I stated earlier, she was a little sick and because of that, her gag reflexes were at an all-time high.

Unless I’m some freak, any guy who has ever gotten head, goes through the same routine as he’s nearing his nut. Each time she tries to come off the field, I keep her in for another play. 

In a moment’s notice, a steady stream of nasty concocted spinach and artichoke dip is heaved all over my cock piece. It came bursting out like an overdue seahorse giving birth. As it’s oozing down my taint before tunneling itself into my leather seats, she leans over my lap, opens the door, and launches the rest out onto the pavement.

Sitting in a puddle of dip soaking into my sweatpants (I kept them on just below my knees since there were still some people walking around campus), I felt like a helpless infant who just shit on themselves. 

Laughingly, all she says is “EWWWWW THIS IS SOOOOOO GROSSS!!!”

Steller observation.

Most people leave napkins in the glove box for ‘clean up’. I needed the entire Duquesne University janitor payroll for mine.

She gets out of my car to grab a puppy pad that was in her trunk to try and clean up. After somewhat salvaging the situation, I quickly step outside to get into my front seat. She continuously tells me how awful she feels and that she promises to clean my car.

“I should have just taken my tampon out.”

“That or I could have just put my penis in your butt.”

After giving her a hug and quick peck on the lips goodbye (I don’t know what I was thinking either, but it’s not the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done), I strip down completely naked to drive home. Speeding past a cop who’s parked on the side of the highway and driving past a cop ass naked at 11pm during a weekday are two totally different feelings. Neither are good. 

At this time, I was still staying at my brother’s house when I was in Pittsburgh. Arriving home, I wrap myself in the clean blanket I always keep in my backseat. Thank God they weren’t up when I walked in. I throw my sweatpants away and hop directly in the shower where I begin to go over everything that just happened, when I realize something – I’m not horny.

If you’ve never listened to the song Blowjob Betty by Too $hort, go do so now. 

The reason I’m not horny is because I had busted my jollies. That’s when I put it altogether:

Being in shock, I didn’t even realize it in the moment. I didn’t even fathom what I had just done as I was in distraught by having my appetizer come to me in a chunky, liquid form. 

It was the nut I blew that was the final straw to cause her to throw up!!!!