Tinder Capsules
Tinder – the online mecca of free puss. Just pay for condoms and alcohol, and it’ll come with a free side of regret. Make sure to show up with no expectations and a backup plan. Similar to American Pie’s ‘Rule of Three’, if they look like a ten, they’re probably an eight. If they look like an eight, they’re probably a six. If they look like a six, they’re probably a dude. If they’re ‘not looking for a hook up’, they’re probably a whore. Basic white girl is code for crazy and yes, they know their worth – it usually lies somewhere in between a pumpkin spice latte and three and a half shots of tequila.
For this installment, I’m going to quickly fire through some of my best online encounters.
(For what it’s worth, I’m actually quite for online dating because of a number of reasons. Yes, there are negatives to it as well. Most notably being ‘Catfished’. Honestly though, if this happens to you, you’re most likely a pathetic idiot. I’m not referring to when you meet someone and they’re twenty pounds heavier than in their pictures, but rather when you fall in love with someone before ever meeting them because you talked on the phone. With snapchat, FaceTime, etc., there’s absolutely no reason for you to be head over heels with a human being that turns out to be an entirely different person. I have friends who are in long term, committed relationships from online swiping. In fact, my mom met my step dad in an entire different state from talking online back in 2001 – way before online dating was widely accepted as a ‘thing’. Most importantly, I’m a fan because it makes for a good installment of Baby Dick Tales.)
Capsule 1 – We’re Not Gonna Have Sex
It’s quite common for a girl to let you know that she isn’t going to sleep with you on the first date – even if you said NOTHING about sex. I’m no god damn psychologist (although after being a masseuse, it’d probably be my next best profession), but it’s my belief that women say this for one main reason – to not feel (as) guilty after they sleep with you on the first date. Of course, yes, some girls are fine with owning up to their sexuality and have no problem admitting that they constantly crave (baby) dick. Majority though, want to mask their ‘bad decisions’ by being able to say “well, I wasn’t planning on sleeping with him…it just kind of happened”, or the universally valid and accepted “I was drunk”.
About a year or two ago, I matched with a twenty-one year old Pitt college student. After blasting immense amounts of charm her way, we agree on a night to hang out. I pick her up in Oakland and we head down to Rivertowne in The North Shore. She had JUST turned twenty-one, pretty sure a week or two prior to this night, and she confidently brags to me about her high alcohol tolerance.
Challenge accepted.
“You ever have a Vegas Bomb?”
“No. What is it? Are they good?!”
After a few Vegas Bombs and other shots that she’s never had, but I suggested she needed to try, she leans over to me and says that she “can’t believe” that she’s already feeling a little drunk. I had a friend just like this – she legitimately believed that she could drink so much, that she’d go ape shit pregaming, and would at times actually be passed out before the rest of her friends have finished their hair to head out for the night. Fuck, when we rolled deep down to The Backstreet Boys/Avril Lavigne concert, one of the girls didn’t even make it in. She stayed slumped in the car for the entire show. It’s worse than each person who thinks that they can achieve The Gallon Challenge (you have an hour to drink an entire gallon of milk and can’t puke at any point during or after) and quit before even finishing half of it.
Anyways, we drink for a little bit longer, and go for a walk along The River Trail before I go and take her home.
As we’re sitting in my car outside of her place, making out turns into me having my pants down, baby dick out, and her head buried in my crotch.
After a few minutes go by, she suddenly stops, pauses for a few seconds, then looks up at me and in a shocked ‘I can’t believe this’ type of tone, says:
“I wasn’t even going to kiss you tonight…and now I’m sucking your dick.”
“I wasn’t going to kiss you either.”
Capsule 2 – Runescape and Chill
April 22nd, 2017 – Summer 2017
Believe it or not, not only have I never been married, but I also haven’t always been this cool. After varsity football games in high school, instead of going out partying (partly because I lived with an insanely strict dad where I still had to ‘have my TV off’ by midnight on the weekends) I’d sneak down into the living room to quietly play Runescape all night. Yes, it’s really as pathetic as it sounds but I’ve always been a bit of a bad boy and so I fed my crazy side leveling up Swiftlyhands (my character’s name). For those of you who don’t know, Runescape is an MMORPG – Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. Almost like a World of Warcraft. I grinded Swiftly for hundreds of hours throughout high school, and off and on since then. I’d play religiously for a few months or so, take a long break, often up to well over a year, and would randomly get the itch again to go slaying with my Full Guthans, Abyss Whip, D-Boots, Fury Amulet, DFS, and Full Slayer Helm. I matched with this girl during the same time I was going through my patch of spending hours in front of my computer clicking buttons.
She was an Asian girl with a degree in computer design and a passion for anime. Or as she described herself in her bio – “Just your friendly freelance digital artist/gamer who happens to be a city girl living in the country side.”
For anybody who doesn’t know, Final Fantasy 7 is the greatest game ever made. If you’ve never played it, go buy it (or borrow it from me – I have three copies of it). If you’ve played it but never beaten it, go beat it. If you’ve beaten it, go defeat Sephiroth again obtaining Knights of the Round along the way. Caution though as it’s the game that “taught gamers how to cry”. I won’t comment on that or the “most shocking scene in video game history” as I don’t want to give any spoilers but for those who have no idea what I’m talking about, the main character Cloud Strife is accompanied by a total babe by the name of Tifa Lockheart. Yes please.
I, as the kids say, shoot my shot.
“Hey:) I’m just a Cloud Strife looking for his Tifa Lockheart. Any chance you could help me with that?”
“You have encountered Aeris, maybe she can help you find your Tifa and hopefully not die on her way there lol c:”
In the Final Fantasy world, this is fucking dirty talk. Vein popping, throbbing boner, right-click ‘drink endurance potion’, dirty talk.
Within a few days we arrange a date and meet at The Cheesecake Factory inside of Maryland Live Casino (if you have a gaping vagina or you’re gonna throw up on me, you get TGI Friday’s. If you’re a big boobed Asian into RPG’s, you get a tier or two higher). After our dinner, she wanted to take me to get my first ever ‘bubble tea’ at one of her go to spots.
[Quick note to idiots out there – if a girl WANTS to be seen with you out in public at one of her favorite places, she wants to LARP with you inside of your bedroom. Again, for inexperienced make believe world idiots, LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing and can bring Cloud Strife’s and Tifa Lockheart’s to life.]
Enjoying our time together, we’d go on to get tea before eventually ending back at my place to hit the ‘dance with no pants on’ emoji.
A few days or so later we’d hang out again, but this time at her place. She lived at home with her parents (she was a recent graduate and twenty-four at the time) but basically had her own apartment in the basement of the house – bedroom, full bathroom, living room, and mini bar. Another plus was that she was training to become a bartender and so she would insist on making me drinks. The best thing, though, about her living situation was her room – no, not because of her bed you perverts – but because of her amazing PC gaming set up. She had multiple monitors perfect for high speed gaming. She could sit right next to me as she plays her games while I get lost in the world of Gielinor. There were times where she’d just lean over and begin priming the engine as I’m playing and I’d quickly take the next exit.
To go with her perfect lay out, she was also going through the ‘phase’ of her life where she was at a sexual peak. She had just lost her virginity in recent times and was in a way revolting against her super strict parents who had wanted her to remain a virgin until marriage. Basically, she just wanted to bang, play video games until she got horny again, bang, game, bang. Her parents would often come home late night/ early morning, and it would seem like at times, she’d save our swan song for when her parents were upstairs. I’d eventually have to sneak out the back door feeling like an invisible Eric Cartman trying to walk across the stage hoping nobody’s able to see him as he’s having Fun With Weapons. Luckily, I never got caught as I was able ‘Swiftly’ navigate to my car each time.
Runescape and Chill – a nerd’s utopia.
Capsule 3 – It’s Always a Tight Fist at First
June 7th 2017 in Great Falls, Virginia.
At this time, I was still ‘living’ in Maryland. I use that term loosely because for the three years that I rented an apartment out there, I spent a total of about ten – twelve months actually living in said apartment. For a while, this was partially due to the fact that I was driving back to Pittsburgh to get spinach and artichoke dip thrown up on me.
After talking on Tinder for a few weeks, I make the hour drive to pick this girl up so that we can hang out. I pull into her driveway and text her to let her know that I’m here – for dates set up through online interaction, I don’t get out and knock on the damn door. I still don’t have my carrying permit and I’m not going to try and defend off a pack of hooligans with the throwing knives I kept at my belt (no, for real. I walked around with throwing knives). She comes limping her way out. Yes, limping. She was wearing a gigantic walking boot.
She gets inside of my car and the VERY FIRST thing she says to me is:
“What’s up my n*gg*?!” (Yes, she’s white and blonde.)
“Ohhh my. You have NOOOOOOOOO idea how white I am do you??”
We head to TGI Fridays (I know I know, I really know how to treat a date) to get some drinks, food, and watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals. After a few hours of hanging out and endless rounds of Vegas Bombs (Vegas Bombs are amazingly good and go great with life), we leave to go back to her place. She begins licking my envelope in the parking lot and doesn’t stop the entire way home.
When we get back, it’s around 2am and we gingerly walk inside. She still lived with her parents in what seemed to be her gorgeous childhood home. She takes a few moments to remove her walking boot, before limping down to the basement that’s a house of its own. Once we get settled in, I go to send my letter in the mail. Even though I had the proper postage, address, etc., it quickly gets lost in the massive bin of outgoing packages. She seemed much more content with foreplay and I’d soon find out why.
Starting with one finger, then two, soon all three piggies were in the house with room for their aunts and uncles. Packing in tight, might as well let Grandma and Grandpa stop in. Fuck it, invite the grandkids too. After a few minutes, MY ENTIRE FIST was snuggling inside of her as her vagina wrapped around my wrist like a large mouth bass trying to devour my arm.
Typically, running a few fingers in and out would suffice but this monstrosity of a soaking wet black hole required an entire forearm workout. I was scared of falling in. If OSHA had busted through the door, I would have gotten a violation for not being properly tied off. With my fist inside, I twisted my hand in a constant back and forth motion. This girl doesn’t fuck dick – she pounds fist and swallows wrists.
I’ll restrain from going into too much detail about what else happened. I think I already ‘dug in deep enough’, but to summarize I’ll quote the late and great Mac Dre – “..then I busted a nut, one mo’ again. Then I busted a nut, on tha’ hoe chin.”
Driving home, I sent a short snapchat to a few friends explaining what had just happened. It was saved to my Memories which allowed me to pinpoint the exact date of this finger licking good story. It’s posted for your viewing.