What What In The Butt (part 2/3)
Originally, this was going to be the third and final part of the What What In The Butt series – solely due to the fact that it happens last chronologically in comparison to the other two segments. However, after my most recent embarrassing predicament, I think it’s best to blast these stories out next, and back to back.]
October 15th – 18th, 2018.
I ‘met’ this girl during Pouya’s 5-5 Tour. I put met in quotes because even though she attended a show and hung out with the crew for a while, I’m almost certain that I was manning my merch station and didn’t actually spend any time with her.
She had come to the show in San Antonio, and looking back at old Instagram messages, I had invited her and some friends to come to the show in Austin, but they weren’t able to make it.
A few months would go by without us exchanging any sort of contact, before we randomly start talking again. After a few weeks of messaging, messaging turned into phone conversations, and shortly after, phone conversations turned into her flying from Denver (she moved from San Antonio to Denver over the summer) to Pittsburgh during the dates above to spend a few days inside of the Magical Baby Dick Kingdom.
Day 1 – October 15th
Arriving in Pittsburgh late Monday night, I pick her up from the airport making sure to have a bottle of Crown Apple waiting on the seat for her as she anxiously wanted to drink. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – hot and likes to drink, I’ll invest in that stock any day.
Continuing the alcohol consumption at my place, we sit on my porch for a little while where she asks me why my nickname is Baby Dick. I tell her to settle down. Heading inside to the couch, she quickly goes on a scavenger hunt that ends with her successfully finding her treasure – she just had to follow her nose.
Sometimes, it can take weeks or even months of scouting and evaluating to know for certain whether or not you drafted your franchise quarterback. Within forty seconds, I knew that she was going to be enshrined in The Hall of Fame.
Being that she was nearing the end of her period, and wasn’t interested in opening her amusement park until it was one hundred percent ready, she put on an oral magic show.
After we were done, I noticed how wet the couch was. It was caked with slobber. I instantly regretted not buying Goof Proof insurance. Aside from the inordinate amount of regurgitation, there was something else that she would often do that caught my attention. On more than one occurrence, her tongue ‘fell off the tracks’ dangerously venturing into uncharted depths. But just because you drive over the rumble strips doesn’t mean that you fell asleep. I don’t think too much into it.
Day 2 – October 16th
We wake up late (common theme in my life), go to Burgatory, back home to drink, head out to drink, head somewhere else to drink, before going back home to drink some more and engage in coitus before heading to head. Thrilling day yes I know.
Day 3 – October 17th
This day will detail the reasoning for this write up and why it made its way into the What What In The Butt series.
Starting the day off (late), we go to eat at Fish Penn Ave before heading to a few nearby bars for some margaritas and double gin and tonics. One way or another (aka me asking inappropriate questions) we dive into lots of sexual talk. We each agree it’d be a good idea to head to the sex store.
First stopping at a liquor store to stock up on Crown, I venture my way into an adult store for the first time in my life (I’m pretty sure anyways).
We settle on a few basic things – anal lube, handcuffs, and BJ Blast Pop Rocks.
[If you’ve never seen it, YouTube search ‘pop rocks banned commercial’. It makes me laugh, but ever since my buddy showed me that video years ago, I have yet to have the opportunity to try the oral popping sensation out. When we got back to my place, she laughably took the time to diligently read the ingredients on the back of the package. She compared them to the ingredients in ‘normal’ pop rocks and was disappointed when they were essentially identical, and I instead spent the extra twenty-nine cents per package (two) for the sexual ones. For what it’s worth, the rocks didn’t even do anything, especially not for me, and she just complained that all they did was make her mouth sticky. Not the first time a girl’s been let down while being in bed with me.]
Hanging out at my place, she controls the tunes, while I mix up potently strong drinks and plan the rest of the night out for us. It’s still somewhat early (around eight or so), and we had talked earlier about going to the strip club for her last night here. I suggest we continue to pound shots, stop in at Title Town, and then head out.
We quickly finish a little over half the bottle. Mixing this alcohol with the margaritas and gin from earlier, along with getting blacked out the night before, and drunk the night before that, it hits me as if I was trying to play a game of chicken against Paul Walker. I lose.
We make our way over to my couch, where I immediately end up undressed. As per usual, she begins diving in deep like a stereotypical pick up artist after they get hint that their ‘target’ has a history of daddy issues – only she hammers in with her tongue in an entirely different way.
When I said earlier that this girl was sloppy, that was an understatement. Infants make less of a mess eating spaghetti and drinking out of the palms of their hands like a dehydrated and lost hiker coming across their first sign of water in over four days. I would actually lay a towel underneath me stretching from the middle of my back down to my knees when I was laying down, working like a gutter attached to a roof during a torrential downpour. If she was a trick performing whale at Sea World, you’d still be in the splash zone even if you’re seated in the upper deck next to the rafters.
Whether I would enjoy any girl doing this to me, or if I just enjoyed it because she was an extremely attractive girl who went at it with more intensity than a base runner lowering his shoulder into the catcher as he stands in front of home plate with the World Series on the line, I still enjoyed it nonetheless.
I’ve always said that the only time that I can do a split, is when I’m drunk and getting hyphy on the dance floor. Evidently, the only time I can nearly put my legs behind my head like a contortionist in training, is when I’m getting my asshole cleaned out like the bottom of a boat being winterized before it gets put into storage for six months.
I decide I want the ultimate experience. Pouncing on my couch, I get on all fours and tell her to get behind me. With no hesitation, she positions herself directly, well you know where – I eventually shove her face into my ass as if I was her birthday cake on her annual celebration. I didn’t want to let her come out for air.
I don’t know how long I was hunched over on my hands and knees for – long enough for her to blow the candles out, get the cake cut, and serve it on tiny individual dishes is all I know.
Shortly after we were done, we went to go ‘take a nap’ for an hour or so, with the intentions of waking up to my alarm to head out to the strip club. We instead slept through the alarm for a few hours and went to get a late night/early morning snack at Primanti Brothers.
Day 4 – October 18th
Well rested, we wake up a few hours before we gotta leave around noon to get her to the airport on time. Being that we each got way too drunk resulting in us falling asleep early the night before, we take this time in the morning to test out the anal lube.
As a post test cool down, we return to the scene of the crime and watch some Futureman before heading to the airport. Keeping in good communication for the next month or so, we each agree that it’s my turn to go to Denver to see her. We settle on Thanksgiving week, better known as Dan Does Denver, aka, the next installment of Baby Dick Tales.
Stay tuned!!!! Coming up –
‘…I now find myself laying on porch furniture attempting to sleep at four in the morning huddled up like a freezing puppy just trying to survive because I have no place to stay…’